- FEATURED BIT: “HOT DOG MAN” (Song Parody of Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man”)
Free Joey Chestnut!
- - - - - - -
DAILY HOLIDAYS
- Global Garbage Man Day
- National Apple Strudel Day
- National Eat Your Vegetables Day
- Ride to Work Day
- Stewart’s Root Beer Day
- Take Your Cat to Work Day
- World Croc Day
- World Day to Combat Desertification and Drought
- - - - - - -
ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
Former President Trump encouraged his voters to write on restaurant receipts to spread the word of his proposal to eliminate taxes on tips. But this won’t work -- mainly because under the Biden Administration nobody can afford to dine at restaurants.
He might even get Stormy Daniels on board with this one. Because in her line of work, she’s used to getting “just the tip!”
#
Father’s Day spending hit roughly $22.4-billion-dollars this year, the second highest amount recorded following last year’s record of $22.9 billion. And, in typical dad fashion, about $22.3-billion-dollars’ worth of merchandise will be returned today (Monday).
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
#
A new survey shows that 45% parents are going into debt during a Disney vacation. Which is incredible because we thought it would be closer to 100%!
Disney is wildly expensive these days. Mickey Mouse steals so much of your hard-earned income it’s surprising that he doesn’t work for the IRS.
#
A new study warns that living to 90 almost guarantees suffering from hearing loss. Which is actually great news because you don’t have to listen to your spouse anymore!
== AROUND THE NATION ==
#
A Louisiana woman recently found a venomous snake in her Walmart shopping cart. Much like items from Walmart’s food section, this is something in your shopping cart that can cause serious bodily harm!
This woman wasn’t frightened, though. Mainly because anyone who shops at Walmart is used to seeing terrifying creatures.
#
Authorities in California said a single bear was responsible for five break-ins in a two-hour period -- and one of the homes was occupied at the time. But it was totally okay because everyone in California is used to multiple break-ins per day.
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
#
German police issued a warning to English fans ahead of the Euros, urging them to smoke cannabis instead of drinking alcohol to prevent potential disturbances. Because even the cops know that asking soccer fans to remain totally sober is COMPLETELY out of the question.
They figure that alcohol is more dangerous than weed. Mainly because alcohol leads to fistfights and weed leads to fists full of candy and popcorn.
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
#
“Inside Out 2” landed the second highest opening for an animated film at the domestic box office with over $150-million-dollars in earnings. Which proves that parents across the country will happily dish out cash if it means their kids will shut up for two hours.
It’s hard to believe that people trusted Hollywood with this concept. Mainly because this movie deals with emotions and everyone in that industry is dead inside.
#
CNN is forcing other television networks and outlets to agree to a list of tedious requirements in exchange for the ability to air the first 2024 presidential debate. But they should just be happy that they’ll get what they never have -- VIEWERS.
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
#
Ellen DeGeneres dubbed herself “the most hated person in America” and has deliberately spent the past two years out of the spotlight. But she’s being WAY too hard on herself because the Kardashian sisters still exist.
But she’s now making a comeback with what she claims will be one final Netflix special and a comedy tour. Ellen releasing a Netflix special is amazing news for government officials who need new torture material for screening at Guantanamo Bay.
#
Robert De Niro proudly reunited with Quentin Tarantino while attending a special premiere of Jackie Brown at the 2024 Tribeca Film Festival in New York City. And that movie is like De Niro’s wives these days -- 27-years-old!
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
#
When asked whether this would be his last U.S. Open, Tiger Woods responded, “I don’t know…it may or may not be.” The next one is in Oakmont, Pennsylvania, which means Tiger might show up just to hit on a local Cracker Barrel waitress.
After missing another cut, it might be time for Tiger to put the golf clubs away. Although, it’s hard to imagine the Big Cat not gripping his shaft.
#
Dodgers pitcher Yoshinobu Yamamoto could be heading to the injured list after he left his start Saturday night against Kansas City due to triceps tightness. Fellow Japanese teammate Shohei Ohtani says he BETS Yamamoto will be back soon, though!
- - - - - - -
GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
Orlando, FL -- A Tampa man arrested Wednesday is accused of using a car to smash through the fence surrounding Orlando International Airport and driving onto the tarmac. 37-year-old Ryan Welch faces charges of trespassing (violating designated operational area of airport), burglary of a structure with motor vehicle and structure damage and criminal mischief more than or equal to $1,000.
Orlando police responded around 11:10 a.m. at Terminal C to calls referencing an individual who smashed a vehicle through the airport’s fence, driving on runways and taxiways before parking near gate 237 and exiting said vehicle. Welch, identified as the vehicle’s driver, was tackled near gate 234 and detained by an airport employee before law enforcement arrived.
Greater Orlando Aviation Authority management sought to pursue criminal charges against Welch, who’s accused of causing at least $3,000 in damage, the affidavit states. Welch was arrested and booked at the Orange County Jail, where he’s being held on $20,000 bond, records show. He refused to appear before a judge Friday morning.
This guy could’ve created some serious issues at the airport. But luckily, all the flights were already delayed per usual.
It’s amazing that he created such a disturbance at the airport. After all, he wasn’t even a Spirit Airlines ticket-holder!
AND THEN THERE’S……
New York, NY -- A New York Police Department inspector has been indicted on charges that he lied to investigators and tried to get incriminating video footage erased after his girlfriend drunkenly crashed his police car into a cab. Deputy Inspector Paul Zangrilli, who led a police precinct in Manhattan, is accused of trying to cover up the 2022 wreck by acts including switching seats with his girlfriend after the wreck and then offering the cab driver money.
Zangrilli pleaded not guilty to all charges. His lawyer, Eric Franz, didn't immediately respond to phone messages from The Associated Press but told some news outlets Zangrilli was a respected inspector who has been waiting two years to “clear his good name.” Manhattan prosecutors said Zangrilli was out drinking with his girlfriend on a summer night when he let her drive his unmarked police vehicle. She crashed into a cab, then, with Zangrilli in the passenger seat, sped away from the scene.
Zangrilli is now charged with various felonies, including tampering with evidence, offering a false instrument for filing and falsifying business records. He's also charged with drinking while driving and misdemeanors related to misconduct and obstruction. Zangrilli's date was also charged with drunken driving and pleaded not guilty. Zangrilli was suspended without pay, the NYPD said in a statement.
Some people say, “Back the Blue.” But after his drunk driving crash, this cop was BLACK and blue!
This guy should’ve never gotten behind the wheel of a car. He would’ve been better off staying in the bar and drinking Irish car bombs.
OR HOW ABOUT……
Manilla, PHILIPINES - A Vietnamese tourist was caught on camera walking through Ninoy Aquino International Airport (NAIA) security naked after police sought payment from her for overstaying her visa. The incident involving the 34-year-old happened at the airport in Manila, Philipines, on Saturday, according to Thailand-based media outlet Viral Press. At least two Filipino media outlets – The Manila Times and Journal Online – identified the woman as Thuytrang Nguyen and said she was headed for Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam, when she stripped off all her clothing.
Nguyen argued about whether she needed to pay to leave the country where she vacationed. She then went to the restroom and came out a few minutes later in her birthday suit and could be seen on video walking through security gates and a body scanner. "We don't know why she did that," NAIA Terminal 3 Airport Police Officer 1 Michael Ronald de Guzman told Viral Press. "We learned that the woman went to immigration and was allegedly offloaded. She was due to fly to Saigon, but her visa had issues."
Security guards were able to stop Nguyen before giving her clothes, food and drinks. She was referred to as "distressed," "disturbed" and "furious" in media reports about what happened. The airline passenger was given a medical check and allowed to leave after settling her fees for overstaying. Viral Press says she departed on Cebu Pacific flight 5J-744 to Hanoi, Vietnam, early in the morning of June 9th.
TSA often confiscates water jugs. But in this case, they were dealing with milk jugs!
Emotional support dogs are one thing. But it’s not every day you see emotional support sweater puppies!
OKAY, ONE MORE……
Ocala, FL - A Florida man has found himself behind bars after he allegedly helped burglarize a pickup truck parked outside Waffle House. 40-year-old Anthony Arenas was arrested and charged with grand theft, two counts of petit theft and burglary after the incident that unfolded at the restaurant on SW Highway 484 in Ocala on May 19. On that day, three people said they all had items stolen from one of their trucks, a white Ford F-150, that was parked outside while they were eating.
"[A victim] stated they entered the Waffle House and did not see anything out of the ordinary, until they returned to the truck to leave after eating. [Another victim] informed [the deputy] as they were about to pull away, he noticed his yellow DEWALT fan was missing from the bed of the truck, at which time all the victims searched and noticed they each had multiple items missing," the affidavit said. One of them went inside to tell the Waffle House manager, who said he can grab the surveillance video of the alleged theft and to contact law enforcement.
Nearly $2,000 worth of items were stolen from the bed of the truck, according to the arrest report. Arenas was arrested in Sumter County the next day on the following unrelated charges, according to the arrest report: trespassing, possession of marijuana, and possession of drug equipment. He was released the next day, arrest records show. Marion County deputies confirmed this was the same Arenas involved in the alleged Waffle House theft and eventually made a visit to his house in Belleview to take him into custody. He remains in custody in the Marion County Jail without bond.
This is highly unusual. And that’s because most crimes involving Waffle House occur INSIDE the establishment.
Waffle House is now pleading for people not to steal from other diners. Instead, please just start fistfights with them like a normal person.
- - - - - - -
BENCHMARK GAMES
== STRIP CLUB OR DAYCARE ==
I’m going to read you the name of a business and I want you to tell me if it’s a STRIP CLUB or a DAYCARE.
The Dream House in Denver, Colorado ….. STRIP CLUB
Curiosity Corner in Joplin, Missouri ….. DAYCARE
The Honeypot in Queens, New York ….. DAYCARE
The Library in Anaheim, California ..... STRIP CLUB
The Sunshine House in Steamboat Springs, Colorado ….. DAYCARE
- - - - - - -
BEST TWEETS
Forward March @RunOldMan…You're all characters in a play I'm writing set in a Mental Institution. Some of you have starring roles.
Maddie! @MadHatterMommy…Forget Waldo, try looking for your glasses without your glasses.
Mark Normand @marknorm…I’m surprised more dads aren’t furious about climate change because I’ve seen how angry they get when people change the temperature.
Crime and PUNishment @MadisonCarly26…Boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: him or my addiction to sweets. The choice was a piece of cake.
Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes…I hate hotel bath towels. So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase.
- - - - - - -
THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Amazon is so popular not because it’s convenient but because there is no human interaction.
- - - - - - -
ON THIS DAY……
JUN 17, 1579
Sir Francis Drake lands on the coast of California at Drakes Bay and names it “New Albion”
JUN 17, 1788
After a lengthy stay in Europe, future U.S. President John Adams and his wife Abigail Adams return to Boston
JUN 17, 1837
Charles Goodyear obtains his first rubber patent
JUN 17, 1915
The League to Enforce Peace is organized at Independence Hall in Philadelphia with William Howard Taft as president; its program anticipates the League of Nations
JUN 17, 1928
Amelia Earhart leaves Newfoundland to become the first woman passenger to fly the Atlantic (she was a passenger in a plane piloted by Wilmer Stultz)
JUN 17, 1938
Japan declares war on China
JUN 17, 1944
Hitler secretly meets with von Rundstedt in Marjival Soissons
JUN 17, 1954
CIA exile army lands in Guatemala; organized by John Foster Dulles and the United Fruit Co.
JUN 17, 1954
Rocky Marciano beats Ezzard Charles in fifteen rounds for the heavyweight boxing title
JUN 17, 1956
Golda Meir begins her term as Israel's foreign minister
JUN 17, 1958
“Things Fall Apart” by Nigerian writer Chinua Achebe is published by Heinemann - considered the most widely read book in African literature
JUN 17, 1960
Ted Williams hit his 500th home-run
JUN 17, 1962
U.S. Open Men's Golf, Oakmont Country Club: Jack Nicklaus wins his first major title by three strokes in an 18-hole playoff with Arnold Palmer
JUN 17, 1963
The Supreme Court rules against Bible reading/prayer in public schools
JUN 17, 1967
Barbra Streisand: A Happening in Central Park is performed
JUN 17, 1970
Scientist and Inventor Edwin Land patents the Polaroid camera
JUN 17, 1972
Chilean President Salvador Allende forms a new socialist government
JUN 17, 1973
Dolly Parton records her song “I Will Always Love You” (later huge hit for Whitney Houston) for RCA in Nashville
JUN 17, 1982
U.S. President Reagan's first UN General Assembly address “We must serve mankind through genuine disarmament”
JUN 17, 1983
Ed Warren and Lorraine Warren exorcise a “werewolf demon” from Bill Ramsey, although the lack of photo or video evidence has called this claim into question
JUN 17, 1984
John Turner succeeds Pierre Trudeau as Prime Minister of Canada
JUN 17, 1988
The Givens' Family reports that Mike Tyson beat his wife Robin Givens
JUN 17, 1991
The body of Zachary Taylor, the twelfth President of the USA, is exhumed to test how he died; rumors had persisted since his death in 1850 of arsenic poisoning but no evidence of this was found
JUN 17, 1994
O.J. Simpson doesn't turn himself in on murder charges; LA cops chase his Ford Bronco for 1½ hours and he eventually gives up (seen live on TV)
JUN 17, 2003
“Moneyball,” a book about the 2003 Oakland Athletics baseball team and GM Billy Beane's sabermetric approach, inspired by Bill James, is published
JUN 17, 2015
The U.S. Treasury announces that the image of Alexander Hamilton will be replaced from the U.S. $10 bill by an image of a woman
JUN 17, 2017
The Bill Cosby trial for aggravated indecent assault is declared a mistrial after jurors couldn't reach a verdict
- - - - - - -
BIRTHDAYS
JUNE 17
K.J. Apa, Riverdale star (27)
Kendrick Lamar, rapper (37)
Mickey Guyton, country star (41)
Venus Williams, tennis champ (44)
Paulina Rubio, singer (53)
Will Forte, actor (54)
Jason Patric, actor (58)
Greg Kinnear, actor (61)
Thomas Haden Church, actor (64)
Mark Linn-Baker, Cousin Larry on Perfect Strangers (70)
Joe Piscopo, actor (73)
Barry Manilow, singer (81)
Newt Gingrich, politician (81)
JUNE 18
Richard Madden, actor (38)
Scooter Braun, music manager (43)
Blake Shelton, country star (48)
Isabella Rossellini, actress and model (72)
Carol Kane, actress (72)
Paul McCartney, music legend (82)
Copyright © 2021 MR. LAUGHS Prep - All Rights Reserved.
Powered by GoDaddy Website Builder